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Writer's pictureLana Abu Ayyash

Keanu, my landlord and me!




The universe has spoken, Keanu and me will never be


Folks who knew me for any stretch of time cognize that I’ve been harboring this fanatical - psychologically questionable – crush on this man/robot hybrid for a loooong time. It was so – again mental health?? – Crazy that in Uni I had a photo of him cut and placed inside my wallet (yep we did that in pre-historic times, and you know what, it was much more human and romantic than those friggin phones).


I never stopped being devoted to my "secret" fiancé’, I even used to call him out on social media; maybe maybe he will recognize the deep connection we had. Alas Keanu kept a deaf ear and a blind eye to a truth I am sure hit him on the face like the burning rays of the summer sun



Wadi Rum - Jordan



So why am I coming out you say? Why am I finally “breaking up” with my lifelong beau?

Because you folks, the universe has spoken, after a lifelong commitment to our relationship, Keanu finally enters JORDAN to film one of my favorite films of all time, and best in history – for action freaks – while I am stranded over here, on a different planet.

Now I am not one to ignore the universe’s subtle messages, so I am giving up, breaking up, and moving on …. Because, if there ever was a good hint, this sure is it





Seriously now, I am writing this when more than the breaking up with Keanu happening in my life. My lil black monster/ bulldozer and me are separated, I am currently living in a temporary place, I am in the horridly horrid process of urgently searching for a house IN ISTANBUL, amidst the mega inflation, expatriated by a – I have never seen before in a population– greed, I am buried with more work than I can handle – my duties and job description are expanding in a pace faster than the milky way – everyone is pushing me to leave here ....... yet I am happy, hopeful and livin' it as much as I can because if you can do depressed, you can also do happy.


I have mentioned my adorable landlord before, but if this was your first encounter with this lovely man just imagine uncle scrooge, only less cute and with a hairpiece made of his ma’s old saloon rug.



Legally this man is bound to my rental contract; he cannot force me out – after a year there – or do zilch. I paid my dues, ok I fight with him a lot – he bullies all the tenants, but ain’t gonna bully me – but that’s irrelevant. I am gonna make this short …. for all ya detail-oriented folks who are gonna ask about the brand of my spilled milk, I hired a lawyer to be on top of things so that he cannot trick me.


THE DAY: I was at home, a normal day, cooking/munching. Atesh as always, begging for food, if you must know what I was eating, it was lamb necks smothered and yummy. I hear a violent knock on the door, I ignore it because if it was my landlord I rarely open the door for the sucker. But it persisted to a point of becoming alarming, I opened the door, still chewing my food …. 7 men, 3 of which were police officers.


Stunned I ask – in English gosh I am naïve – whatsup? The dudes used google translate and relayed the good news, they came with a court order to evacuate the house immediately and leave all my belongings. I was shock incarnate if shock ever had a face. I called my lawyer, and they went back and forth, it was the law and I had no say in it. My lawyer spoke to his lawyer, I asked that I be given a day to find a place, you know I am not prepared for this, I HAVE A DOG, but my landlord refused. I asked for 2 hours to go into the net and book a room … also refused and then stopped receiving our calls. His lawyer shaking his head said: my client is a cruel man! …. Well that does not help me, Steve. To be fair, the whole army was as shocked as I was, I could see how painful that was for them, yet they gathered all my belongings in bags and stuff and threw it all out as garbage.


Vahhap my dear, now you are free to turn my house into an Airbnb and add more fat to your already fat wallet. Hint: Karama is waiting on the other side of hell


When you are evicted from your house, it is usually the case that you know … you were expecting it, but I had no idea, one minute I was in the kitchen eating my food, 15 minutes later I was with a bag, carrying half of the little I already own, with an aching back – I was in a much hurry to get my bag from under the bed I lifted the whole thing with one arm – and a dog pulling the hell out of me, no family, no friends really, and to add insult to injury I could not – till this day – access my Jordanian bank account where I get my salary – while Vahhap had 1.5 worth of rental that I paid in advance.


Because that was that for me (it is what it is), in disaster I turn into action mode, no drama, no asking why ….. i stood on a side street, gave it a quick thought, planned and executed. But mostly I did what I always do in such situations, I turn the page, and what happened is done with, I will not think about it, question it, remember it, or care. I will forget about all those losses and move on 100000000000000% ….. and I did.


As for how did that legally happen, my lawyer filled me in and advised I sue the sucker (criminal charges), and that I can easily win …it will cost a lot of time and money though (shock emoji desperately needed here). I can do that, but at this stage of my life, I want to build a life, chose my battles, and let go of what will not serve me no matter how hard it was … so I said no. This part of my life belongs in the trash can. Done with it


I took Atesh to a dog otel – a shelter really but with otel prices – it was heartbreaking but seems the girl is tougher than I gave her credit for, I found a nice clean room I rented for a month – double what I used to pay for a whole house plus deposit jeez – and I am currently trying to figure things out, this guy caused me a lot of financial loss that I really did not need (who does though).


I don’t share my life/ intimate problems (I mean the blog and any social media action is just glimpses, things I don’t mind telling anyone, my life is actually very private) and people rarely interfere with my life –unless I give permission –but ever since I stepped into this city everyone without exception is hinting/ saying/ I told you so …etc to get out of Turkey but mostly Istanbul, hell I have people sending me job vacancies in Saudi rather than me staying here. To give you an idea of the extent of that, I told my boss – roughly no details – of what took place, to give me some breathing time – he offered to finance my going back to Jordan, setting me up in a house and all.



My answer is always this: unless Istanbul kicks me out, I am staying, so will you kick me out my dear beloved city?

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