If you could wipe the slate clean
Please … do!
Did you know how rare
an opportunity this would be for you ..
Intoxicating, Invigorating …
To be born anew..
If you can write it over and over again
Why not do?
Write, un-write, and rewrite …
Till it all fits right
Till it feels alright …
Do it … just do …
My humble self
In Arabic we have a saying that goes “You want, God, wants, but then God does what God wants”, yet we still plan, un-plan, and then start planning all over again.
So here is the what’s what, Istanbul was and still is – in my eyes - one of the most fascinating cities in the world, I still adore it, with all its chaos, and mess, I love its every bit. But just as the decision to come here was brewed as I gulped down 20 cups of coffee one sleepless night, the decision to leave, I say temporarily (I have learned to always keep my options open and never say never) hit me after a bittersweet cup of hot cocoa at dawn this morning.
Seriously, I saw it coming, and as I write this, it suddenly appears to me that it ain’t just inevitable but necessary. I realized that for the very first – well maybe second or third but more pronounced now – that I have the chance to clean the slate, start all over again, and write my story anew …. in faraway unknown places. Those 15 months I lived here made it so easy to disenchant me, sober me up to finally see the line that separates dreams from illusions. Having said that I regret nothing, I will do it over and over again, and given the chance I would come back and claim it as my home again and again. But let’s just say living in Istanbul has become completely impossible.
Of course, I am no idiot, I have known the fact, I was watching my life slip into a groundhog day of work work work and more work, interrupted – because I cannot not .. being me – by the gym and the few pleasure I am squeezing into my monotonous days. I have been stretching myself too thin to survive in this city only to end up slaving all week to pour more fat into the bellies of landlords and greedy shopkeepers. This is not how I picture my life, this is not who I am. (as a foreign woman you spend at least 30% more on everything, you are overcharged and scammed daily and it is sickening)
Another tiny but very telling detail that struck me was that as I left that house, I left the majority of the little that I owned, today my life which used to fit in one big travel bag, fits in a small carry bag, I have no worry in the world, nothing to tie me here – I am lying, there is one thing, but that I’ll just have to surrender to the higher powers to be – so I am actually as free as any bird could be.
Truth be told, regardless of the reasons above, I believe what happened is just the universe’s way of preparing me for the next chapter of the life I really want and covet. Love is blind and my love for this city may have been blinding me all along from seeing/walking/ discovering the path … my path.
There is no plan, in 18 days the rental agreement of the room I’m residing in will end, I could not/cannot find a place to stay as the humungous inflation coupled with greed and an appetite for money as I have never witnessed in my life made it a mission impossible. So I am leaving.
The question that remains now, is where to?
I am gonna pick a place, randomly maybe? Somewhere where I can hear the birds sing, see the sunrise, and smell the fresh crisp air of morning. It can be anywhere … I only need a head start, after which the journey of discovery will begin. And boy I will write!