Don’t you miss the good o’l days when Santa was real, people’s photos actually looked like them, humans under 12 were ya know rug rats not a small, evil version of adults, and Airbnb was — the blasphemy — affordable.
I am ancient enough to “apprehend” that plans, like dreams, never come true — nightmares do though — so I wasn’t at all surprised when nothing about my new LOF went well, I am kinda positive that way, but to become of all things Airbnb’s golden goose of the year, THAT, I wasn’t prepared for at all.
Today marks my 47th day in this magnificent city — yep still enchanted, still sillily happy — and a few hours ago I booked yet a third Airbnb.
Now before you jump to conclusions and be like “why don’t you just stay where you are” I’d like to say that whether it was the universe conspiring against me, or just my bad luck, my first stay was booked for months — to be mysteriously available after I left — and my second was sold, I know that because I’m the one who showed the agent around. Mind you, this kindness didn’t earn me even a free toilet roll.
Maybe you are asking yourself, what’s wrong with living the nomadic thing, hanging around in other people’s places and kickin it for a while. I’ll tell you what’s wrong:
1- It’s too damn expensive, especially for what you get. And if the word “value” ever had an absolute opposite, this would be it. A month’s rental for a less than mediocre Airbnb is 2 times the rent of a “livable” flat in Beyoğlu which is where I am currently hanging on for dear life.
2- Living in those flats doesn’t feel cozy (as advertised), authentic, or anything like home. The only feel you get is that you were duped, a total ass, and you can do zilch about it.
3- Those hosts are greedy. I mean we all know most people pretty much worship money, but those hosts are butchers, their lack of empathy should be made into a new field of psychological studies
4- Those bloodsuckers drained everything I had put aside to live in dignified poverty for a few months. Now, why did I let that happen? Because I cannot for the life of me find a flat.
5- Why don’t you move to a different — may or may not be cheaper — area? I’m livin’ my dream folks, duh ! and my dream is right here, I mean I have to at least live my dream for 3 months before the inevitable nightmare kicks in.
What to expect when you’re expecting — just kidding — when you book an Airbnb flat in Cihangir Istanbul:
(Applicable only to people with no financial resources or cheap rich folks)
1- Sitting almost horizontally on the toilet seat, one arm over the sink, and one foot in the shower
2- A hypothetical kitchen.
3- Ornamental coffee makers
4- Walls that don’t function as …. walls. I mean do you call them walls if you could hear your neighbour sneeze?
5- Losing ALL your “fancy” clothes to the washing machine
6- Shower stalls where you have to stand upright, arms sticking to your sides, or else risk bumping your elbows horridly. How am I gonna scrub my armpits you say? You’ll just have to stick to deodorants and hope for the best.
7- Linen, bed covers and pillows that embrace you with the scent of their owners. And nothing, as in NOTHING can change that EVER.
8- My last flat didn’t have pillow covers, I mean Duhell?
9- A host that may extend “his welcome”. This host stuck around — I swear I am not making this up — for 7 full hours under every pretense a dumb person can muster. In the end, I had to text the “co-host”, and leave the house myself. It didn’t end at that though, he kept texting me poetry all night.
10- In short, you either change your host, refurbish the house, fix the plumbing, install some heating, change the toilet seat, insert new shower stalls and add a kitchen to the …. kitchen or live in expensive misery for the eternity that is your 3 weeks stay.
Now did I write bad reviews for both houses? Only I wish, quite the opposite. The second house as I mentioned was sold and thus taken off Airbnb. First house, well I shamefully admit, I had to write a glowing review because the host promised to find me the best yet cheapest flat in Istanbul, and I TOTALLY FELL FOR THAT!
Was selling my soul worth it?
After I wrote my review this host pretty much disappeared from the face of the Turkish earth. Never saw nor heard from her again.
Karma is real folks, Karma is real.
To be continued ….