I stare at the trail of froth bubbling behind, violently gushing, deafening my ears … a sardine-packed ferry (Üsküdar - Eminönü) … yet I can hear nothing, see no one – not even the teenage brats standing at a kissing distance from me – A moment frozen in time, everything is vivid, in high resolution, slow motion …. Pure stillness!
I’m happy, like really happy. Not happy as in giddy, excited, not a high … just peace. Mind unbarred heart empty and calm, body feathery light. I could think of nothing, there was no past, no present … life itself frittered away … dissolved in the cold sea waters.
One hour earlier:
I found myself rapidly ascending Üsküdar’s great cemetery, steep and hilly, it took my breath away literally and figuratively. I was casually passing by on my walk back to Üsküdar’s port from Kuzguncuk. I slowed down to take a peak, I almost always stop by cemeteries to give my respects to the dead, I might even utter a prayer, death is not something I like to brush off, and those places are a reminder, not as much of death, but of life. Something was pulling me – run for your life if you think this stuff is woo woo, coz it’s just gonna get worse from here – look, I have always been an aggressively scientific/ logical person, but life has tamed that a little, there is so much out there that we may never understand, yet experience and feel, I will just say that I am living my life now with as much an open heart/ mind/ soul as I can. I listen to my gut; I follow suit that which is tugging me.
Among the dead
I wander, but at certain spots, I stop, I slow down, I speed up, I turn back and look down, and I keep moving until I reach the top. I will not share everything that has happened there, what I will say though is that I had this immense opening, something was calling me to just pray, and I did. Done with praying, I started to descend intending to leave, but I felt that exact pull again, so I prayed some more, this went on a number of times until I felt I was finally free to leave, surprisingly this last prayer was not for myself, but rather for someone else. I leave the cemetery, my legs are heavy, I can barely walk, slightly anxious, what the hell is happening? But then I say to myself, TRUST, let it be as it may be, keep walking and play your part. And so it goes, I started to feel lighter and lighter until I was so light I started to literally float. Happy, calm, peaceful floating that stuck around till the next day … and the effects of which have yet to wash off me as I write this today.
I am a big city girl … sure I have always fantasized about going off grid, and every now and then the idea of shoving off the material world and kickin’ it in the wild infatuates me; the mountains … the sea, being wild and free like nature intended. However, the thrill of a big city with all the perks always got in the way.
Not a surprise, Istanbul is as big and cosmopolitan a city could get. Messy, crowded, downright outrageous, howbeit thrilling, fascinating, and exciting. Every day there is a story to tell, something horrible to complain about, people to bump into, and new stuff to discover/ devour. To me, this city is intoxicating and it blessed me with some of the best times of my life.
However, as much as Istanbul gives, it steals. But that’s life if you are adult enough to understand. It all boils down then to choosing the gains/losses we want/ can tolerate, all the while keeping in mind that what may work/ feel right today may not tomorrow.
I struggled the first 3 months I came here. I haven’t told anyone this before, partly because I love this city so much, I didn’t want to be ungrateful, but mostly i needed to stick to my decision, I needed to see it through, no excuses, no whining. I struggled not because I realized that life here will be harder than I thought – true that - or that this city turned out to be a sham, but because I realized that there is an un-gapable - yes I have just invented this word - gap between me, my lifestyle, and the way I aspire to live, and life/ people here (I will not get into Turkey’s brutal capitalism/ corporatism/ sexism/ racism)
See I am a highly adaptable person – Coffee here is an example - I have this crazy drive to be happy so I make it my life purpose to adapt/ enjoy, not out of weakness or lack of sense of self, but happy ya’ll require lotsa in-betweens. Yes, you keep looking, searching through this magical journey we call life until you find your niche, a place/ something/ someone/ whatevaH that you belong to or claim yours. But until then you ROCK this life, make some noise and you live it up.
What I am trying to say is that I adapted to the rhythm of life here, well kind of, truth be told I could not get myself to go with the flow, it is too big a stretch, so I lived in the city without really living in it. Because at the end who cares, it is the land that I love and belong to, the history, the trodden paths, the colors, architecture, and art, not the people, not the culture, and certainly not the lifestyle. I will give you an example; I hate smoking with a vengeance I skipped weddings, friend gatherings, family events …you name it, because I will not be around smokers and here I am in a city where EVERYONE – children maybe? - is a heavy smoker. I remember when I first came here, walking back from the gym I would tear up, suffocated by cigarette smoke (people smoke while walking), i would think of how my body post-workout - especially lungs - is like a sponge ready to absorb anything, and here I am inhaling a packet worth of cigarette smoke. What did I do? Just let it go, it still bothers me but does not drive me crazy anymore. Take that and apply it to almost everything (supposing you know me) and you will get the jest of it all.
You’d think that with this level of self-awareness, I came to the conclusion that Istanbul is not for me and that I should move somewhere I belong better. I only wish! I am horrible I know …. I kept grinding this place until the universe had its word; girl, you cannot be left on your own accord, you need to be kicked out. Ironically this is exactly what I used to tell everyone “I will never leave Istanbul, not until it kicks me out”.
Héros (real name was disguised for privacy and security reasons): wow Lana you look so excited, I mean considering what happened?
Me: Omg I cannot wait to be riding the waves (I am adding some pizazz here, but you know what I mean) ….considering what happened? It was the best thing ever!
Héros: I am actually very jealous
Me: Don’t be, come visit (I started inviting people to come visit even before I knew where this visit might be) I’ll give you a couch (nothing to me, I harbored outlaws before)
Me (speech bubble): Jealous of what exactly dude? You can travel/ move as you wish, it’s not like you were born and raised and have everything to lose here, I mean what’s the use of being an expat if you cannot, well do “expating” (Shakespeare rolling in his grave … again)
Héros: COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL, I definitely will.
If you read my stuff, you probably came across my “Friend or Foe” piece, well Héros is not one of those people, he is also not exactly my friend.
If you are itching to know what da hell happened with all my “friends”, well they are reaching out relentlessly now, suddenly all dying to see me, I am just too busy touring around town. What?? I am not gonna spend the last 2 weeks in Istanbul at the gym or in Cihangir, I will be going around the city as if it was going out of style.
The Lure of the big apple:
Living in a big cosmopolitan does change one, slowly, unassumingly. Big cities don’t tolerate real dissent (don’t be fooled, some forms of dissent and rebellion are fashionable, people wear/ exchange them like hats). In those post-modern, consumerist driven spheres excessive individualism rules, people become high on indulgence, and short-term thinking, yet scant in masculinity, humanity and the sensitivity to the suffering of others. Inside the matrix, we cannot see better, no matter how “woke” we are.
If you’re part of a society, you’re like one drop in a big river. You may decide to go another way, but that doesn’t make the river change. There is also the power of the millions versus the individual and the power of ostracism. You might want to change, but if you get ostracized, it’s very difficult to persist.
I know this sounds like doom and gloom, and I won’t blame you if think I am a hypocrite, ya know I love a big city until I decided to leave a big city, then I go all stoic on you. Truth is, the reality of the world we live in never escapes my mind, I try to balance things out by hanging out with underdogs, mixing up with the poor and outcasts, reading and educating myself about the happenings of the world, donating, and help out as much as I can, but life is what life is and as humans, we do get engrossed in our mundane affairs, and there is just so much we can do about it all.
Now let me be the bearer of good news for a change, on the other hand, in an individualistic society a person is like an atom in a gas, meaning they can freely float about (how do you think I’ve been existing so far, and it is far ). And life can be an adventure. The best thing you can become then is yourself.
Today, the goal is to continue the “unbecoming” journey I started when I first came here (that entails a book, not a blog), all the while becoming myself more and more, living in harmony with who I really am, and creating a life that aligns with everything I stand for …. I still want a thrill, an adventure, and a life journey that intoxicates me.
There is a world of beauty, sports (remember it’s me talking ….water sports to begin with), outdoor adventure, magic, opportunity, and air as crisp and fresh as the morning dew.
To be continued ....